Structural Damage And Also Why I Don’t Take Dating Advice From Robyn

June 8, 2012 § 1 Comment

As I get closer and closer to finishing my first novel, I get to enjoy all the problems and pleasures of looking back and seeing that everything, everything is broken.

It’s, uh, an interesting feeling.

See, it’s not that actually everything is broken, but that lately more and more structural problems are popping up in my story. These are normal things, problems that every new writer goes through. I’m also not worried because I couldn’t possibly notice these were problems until I got to around this point in the manuscript. It only became visible because I’ve papered over the cracks for so long but now it’s audibly keening as it is slowly squashed by its own weight and is ready to crack. What does this mean? It means a tonne of editing, a tonne of reflection, and, in the words of the lovable protagonist from Gears of War, a fuckton of work.

Wait, is that metric, or an Imperial fuckton?

This doesn’t actually bother me because as much as there really is a bunch of work for me to do, it’s a refreshing feeling. It’s kind of like making Lego. See, the first few months were just figuring out the instructions, and the next few months of work were me sorting through the individual pieces. I’ve got them all together and sure, some of them don’t fit together, and sure, some of them may have been put on in combinations I didn’t…expect. Or expect to fail so spectacularly.

But, that said, I feel good because at this point, I’ve got all the pieces in front of me. Although they weren’t put together correctly the first time, I’ve at least got them all ready. I don’t have to start from the beginning even if it seems like that, and that’s good to know.

Ahem.

And now, what actually prompted me to post something today. I was listening to Robyn recently, and she has a song called “Call Your Girlfriend”. It has probably the worst advice on how to break up with someone. For those of you who don’t know the song, here’s the song and here are the lyrics. It’s a good song, but if you haven’t heard it, breeze over the lyrics if you have a minute.

In any case, here’s how Robyn suggests a fellow break up with his girlfriend, as dramatized by yours truly:

“Hey babe. We, uh, we have to talk.”

“…ok. What’s, um, going on?”

“I’m…breaking up with you.”

“What? What the hell?”

“Calm down, calm down babe! It’s not your fault! I’ve just met someone new! Don’t get upset!”

Don’t? Don’t get upset? What the hell are you talking about? Don’t get upset that you’ve started seeing someone behind my back? That you’re cheating on me? But why? Was it something I did? What did I do…why would you do this?”

“No! Don’t do this! Don’t second guess yourself! I didn’t mean to hurt anyone! Here, listen, listen! This sucks, I know, but you have to learn to love again. Baby, I know it doesn’t make sense right now, but I’m still your friend.”

“Still my friend? You, you fuck! You fuck! You are a fuck! Still my friend? You’ve been cheating on me! How the fuck…you know what? I don’t want to know. Tell me why you want to be with her.”

“I shouldn’t…”

“You shouldn’t have been fucking some girl behind my back is what you shouldn’t have been doing, but it’s too late for that! So you tell me what it is about her!”

“Fine! If you want to know, she gives me something that I didn’t have and that I didn’t even know I didn’t have! When we kiss, it’s like…I can’t even describe it. It’s that good. I wish I could say it was otherwise, but yeah. She’s new; she’s different.”

“She’s better, you mean.”

“Don’t be like that, babe.”

“If you call me “babe” one more time, I will cut off you dick and feed it to my dog. You get out of my house, you get out of here right now, and you never talk to me again. Ever.”

 

So here is your unsolicited piece of John advice for the day: don’t listen to Robyn’s advice on how to break up with someone.

 

John revels in the crude language of our youth.

 

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§ One Response to Structural Damage And Also Why I Don’t Take Dating Advice From Robyn

  • C says:

    ok… FINE… but can I still take dancing lesson from her? Robyn’s moves are the best!!! Especially the floor dancing! ❤

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