Really Short Cowboy Stories

April 11, 2012 § Leave a comment

Thisis part 1 of a story I intend to finish today in, hopefully, four parts.

Really Short Cowboy Stories

“I ain’t never rustled cattle nor robbed no train before, no sir. My Momma said that that’s thievery, and that thievery is the first step on the road to Perdition. I was raised Christian, I was.”

“Ass-licking Methodist, most likely.”

“Quiet, Robert. Now boy, I ain’t no preacher man-”

“Damn right you ain’t, Ike.”

“Shut yer mouth, Jebediah. As I was saying, I ain’t no preacher, but I been a cattle rustler, a train robber, a bank robber, a murderer, a liar, a thief-”

“You already implied you were a thief there, Ike.”

“I told you to shut your goddamned mouth, Jebediah! Now let me hear you interrupt me again, and by the Holy Ghost I will clean your plough. Will you let me talk now, without you turning this into a big ole shindy, or should I get my belt out? No? Well thank you kindly. Now, as I was saying to young Bill here, I been all of those things on account of a partic’larly hard upbringing, and let me tell you, as a person to ride the river with when we’re talking the partic’lars of bank robbery and such, that these things don’t lead to Perdition, Damnation, or any sort of Hellfire.”

“Even Methodist hellfire.”

“Right. What these things lead to is a full belly and a fuller wallet. Now you’re just a shave tail when it comes to enterprises of a criminal aspect, so I’ll let you decide. Your ma is a sickly woman, a lunger as I hear it said, and those doctors are just chiselers when it comes to selling medicine, especially to a poor old woman and her only son. Isn’t that right?”

“Doc Thompson bulldozed us into paying the cost of a horse just for a week’s medicine.”

“See that, Jebediah? A chiseler and bunko artist bulldozing this poor boy? That, my friends, and remember I ain’t no preacher, but even I see that that’s a sin. A damnable sin, and I think the Lord Jesus, even Methodist Jesus, would smile on a poor boy earning a few dinero for medicine for his poor momma. No, I don’t think that, friends, I know it.”

“You really think so, Ike?”

“William, I know so, or my name ain’t Black-eye Isaac. Now saddle up and get those guns out. The 12:15 to Alamo Heights is gonna be here soon, and we’re gonna make sure we’re on it.”



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