A Brief Discursion on Hotness

November 20, 2011 § 2 Comments

Dear Hollywood, 

Please stop trying to pass this:

The shade of blue her eyes are has so far been only found in one other place in nature, on a diamond planet orbiting a distant sun.

off as this:

Look into my eyes. You are feeling geeky, very geeky.

We get it, you know. We may like to imagine that Zooey will come into our lives at some point and in so doing, we will all be graced with a little bit of that ephemeral hotness that surrounds her like her clouds of hair. We desire it, even as we, the basement-dwelling nerds that so love her, are terrified of it.

And yes, Hollywood, I know what you’re going to say. You’re going to say “but we’re just showing people what they want to see! You are the reason we only have beautiful women, beautiful beyond the ken of moral men. It’s your fault! And besides, we had Ugly Betty and that did pretty well!”

Oh ho! Not so fast, Hollywood! While indeed, your main character was not that attractive:

Those braces are big enough to be military-issue.

She was played by, well, her:

Apparently, braces, glasses, and untouched hair are all you need to be "ugly".

See Hollywood, even when you’re casting for someone with ugly in their name, you still need to have supremely attractive women. And I think it’s time you admitted your problem: you’re afraid of women. Terrified, even. And that’s ok, because as a biological male I am as well, but unlike you I’ve come to terms with it.

You’re so terrified of women that you can’t conceive of them as women. They’re teeth to be whitened, hair to be curled, boobs to be padded and butts to be em-butted. They are factors you can control to make them more palatable to your audience, because if you don’t think of them like that, then you have to treat them like…men. Men? Oh sure, they need to be controlled too, and they’re certainly judged on their appearance. If you don’t have a sixpack, don’t even bother trying to be a love biscuit.

But men can be things other than love biscuits. Women will always be judged in terms of their love-biscuitness no matter what role they’re in. Women, Hollywood, are not treated like men are. They’re not allowed to be anything but super-attractive. It takes a film-maker with a hell of a lot of grit to do that.

Fortunately, both the Coen brothers and Frances McDormand have grit to spare.

Male actors can be rejected for not being hot enough. Of that, I have no doubt. I have no doubt that their appearance is also massaged and altered as much as women’s. Hollywood, you are about image, after all. But men can be normal-looking. They can be fat. They can be butt-ugly, so long as their acting is awesome.

Take Steve Buscemi, Hollywood. Do you have a woman like that, who is so clearly not conventionally attractive, yet is so well-respected because of their acting chops?

Go find her. I’ll wait.

Oh, you found…one? Maybe two? Whereas Steve can land a gig in the lead role of an amazing show that doesn’t also need to feature the word “ugly” in the title.

Hollywood, you need to get out a bit more, if only so women can get a break. Don’t be afraid of them (beyond the sheer soul-sucking terror of talking to them one-on-one), please, or else we’ll have more of this:

Check out the full-size, and according to TV Tropes: "being unattractive means being brunette, apparently."

Not that I would say no to working with Zooey. I mean, goddamn. It’s Zooey. 

All due respect to TV Tropes for beating me to the punch. Also, if you haven’t already, check out my contest. There’s still time to get in on the chance to win a free story!




§ 2 Responses to A Brief Discursion on Hotness

  • Tanis says:

    I think the biggest sin that Hollywood makes in terms of male actors is that if they are not attractive; they will do every trick in the book to deem them attractive and make us feel stupid for not getting it.
    Examples: Robert Pattinson, Hugh Jackman, Ryan Gosling.

    Ever notice that who ever Hollywood wants to put in a bunch of movies who at the time is a relatively passive name becomes People’s Sexiest man Alive? And then 3 month later it is just accepted that they are the new norm of hotness?
    Pattinson is the worse because he is marked to tweens as a sex symbol and even the marketers have no idea why we should find him attractive other than; “If our Edward is not considered hot and the movie focuses on him we are so screwed.”

  • Nova says:

    TV Tropes will always beat you to the punch. They are the punch.

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