ATTENTION: I am calling for your attention

September 21, 2011 § 2 Comments

Attention: if you advertise for a job and do not mention that it requires specific criteria (such as that I possess a frigging automobile), please reconsider your advertising process. Perhaps it’s time to update your computer hardware off of Windows 98 (or Apple 3, if you’re into the kinky stuff), or maybe consider replacing Ook, the lovable Orangutan in HR, with someone who can do the damn job.

For me to eagerly answer a phone call, the first in a few weeks mind you, only to be immediately told you’re unsuited to the job hurts both of us. So please, for the sake of the dwindling Orangutan population and the mental health of your future employees, please consider releasing Ook back into the wild and not being idiots in future.

Attention Girls who are not yet 18 and yet wear skanky clothes in public: I want to show you something.

Exhibit A: Day-ummm

This is what we call a “woman”. This is not you, for although you both are physiologically adults (phy-si-o-log-i-cal-ly. I know it’s hard, but say it with me slowly), she’s also mature and can do fun things like vote, or drive a car, or not creep out people when she wears revealing clothing.

Which is what you do when you wear skanky clothes. Yes, I get it, you’ve graduated out of training bras. I’m happy for you, I really am, but I don’t wear pull-ups anymore and manage not to brag about it on the bus. So please, reconsider the hip-hugging sweats (A: eww, and B: honey, that is very much “I earn just slightly above minimum-wage” chiq), the halter tops and push-up bras (you can’t flaunt it when everyone can tell you don’t have it), and potentially replace them with things that are more age-appropriate, like not showing your ass-crack whenever you stand up, or wearing pants that fit and skirts that don’t demand you take the elevator when you want to go down a floor without criminalizing every man on a lower level than you.

Something more like this:

"Officer, I swear I didn't know she was just a pony."

Note: this in no way endorses MLPFIM. In. No. Way.

Attention Readers: Research has begun on the next commissioned story, tentatively titled A House of Glass and Iron. Also, due to length of rant, I will update Ash and Dust in the next post. Expect it…soon, ish?

Oh, and I’ve received good feedback on the quick fiction. Keep it up, and you might just get more funnies. Also, writing comedy is hard.

 

 

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§ 2 Responses to ATTENTION: I am calling for your attention

  • I'M BEING ANONOYMSOUS? THIS TIME! (but it's prob pretty obv who this is) says:

    But REAL jailbait is what these posers are trying to go, they have all the classy womanliness without any of the age. Also where would men get that rush of being alive if not for that tasty tease of a potential upskirt while going up the escalator??

    On another note, don’t you just love those sweatpants that say like “juicy” on the bum, or….”i’m an attention starved preteenager”?

    • calamanas says:

      I love how conventions differ so much in this case. If a guy were to wear something on his butt that was designed with the intention to look at it, I’m certain it would be considered weird. Those pants with the hand prints on the butt? Who thought that was a good idea. Really!

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